The Bomberman Project
by Astrobot7000
Summary: A Bomberman bliar witch project spoof. This story was written like the Bomerman N64 titles, so Bomberman doesn't talk. My very first Bomberman Story! NOTE: Very old story before I became a better writer.


In March 8th 2001, three members of an elite unit known as the bomber - squad vanished while taping themselves chasing a villain through the black wood area near the "Bomber Base".  
  
One year later, their footage was found.  
  
THE BOMBERMAN PROJECT  
  
* * *  
  
MEMO-  
  
FROM: Chief Hydria of the Bomber Police.  
  
At your request, I have prepared a transcript of the tapes that I discovered in the forest behind the bomber Base, for the rest of this document; it will be referred to as "The Black Woods". First some background on this subject. The planet's hero Bomberman has constantly been beating back a vicious enemy army known, as the Ruff Riders (please don't sue me). I have seen them get beaten back by Bomberman 7 times within the year. One day the army went into hiding in The Black Woods, and Bomberman and his group went after them, I followed to, later, to see if I could help in any way. I came across a canvas bag buried under a pile of leaves. The bag contained several camcorder tapes, some of them bearing handwritten labels saying, ~Bomberman Project~. Upon bringing them back to headquarters and viewing them, I realized what I had found is the record of events leading up to the missing trios disappearance. I have positively identified the three main figures in the tapes as follows:  
  
Bomberman: The planet's protector and guardian.  
  
Pommy: Bomberman's recently found sidekick, a strange Kirby like characters, which seems to have a not so big intelligence at times, but other times seems, to have a larger one, go fig.  
  
Ralph: Another Bomber-Person. Apparently he enlisted as Bomberman's successor to learn the ropes of what Bomberman does. It seems as though he volunteered to prove himself to Bomberman as a worthy successor.  
  
The first tape was shot at the Bomber Base, the following ones in the Black Woods. I have put them together in the order they appear to have been shot in. For the accuracy of the record, I have noted the cameraman for each shot.  
  
(Hallway. Ralph and Bomberman are visible, handling camera equipment. cameraman is apparently Pommy, as camera angle suggests an extremely short cameraman)  
  
Ralph: Refresh my memory. *Why* are we doing this taping thing?  
  
Pommy: (Off-frame) To show you how being this planet's protector is done. By taping your first mission, you can re-watch it so you can improve upon yourself.  
  
Ralph: But I haven't packed everything.  
  
Pommy: (off frame) There's no time for that! Those guys are probably halfway through the Black Woods by now! We gotta go after them!  
  
Bomberman: (Nods)  
  
OFF-CAMERA VOICES: LOSERS! (Pommy turns abruptly to catch the newcomers in the shot, two bomber base rookies identified in records only as Sam and Cliff).  
  
Cliff: Well if it isn't the wonderful "BOMBER - SQUAD", caught the bad guys yet?  
  
Ralph: Not yet but we will. Jerks.  
  
Sam: Oh, your going in the *Black Woods,* are you? Well, you'd better watch out for the Phantom Bomber! Besides you couldn't catch bad guys if your life depended upon it, you couldn't even catch a cold.  
  
Pommy: Oh, COME ON!!! Pommy's not scared!  
  
Sam: Okay but watch out. We saw it once, we barley got away with our lives. (The two walk away)  
  
Pommy: Those two are very mean, why do you allow them to stay Bomberman?  
  
Bomberman: (Shrugs)  
  
Ralph: Okay. I don't want to go anymore.  
  
Pommy: Don't worry Pommy will protect you. Besides you really think those kids saw something? Pommy thinks there just a bunch of air heads. right Bomberman?  
  
Bomberman: (nods)  
  
Ralph: Okay. Okay. I'll go.  
  
* * *  
  
NEXT TAPE:  
  
(Camera angle suggests either Ralph, or Bomberman is filming it, and sense Ralph is visible, it must be Bomberman shooting it).  
  
(The Group is entering the woods)  
  
Ralph: Okay where do we go?  
  
Pommy: We follow the trail left by them.  
  
Ralph: Sounds like fun.  
  
Bomberman: (off - frame) (Points out into the woods, Ralph and Pommy turn to see what he's pointing at) (He's pointing at a shadowy figure running away at top speed into the woods)  
  
Pommy: LET'S GO AFTER IT.  
  
Ralph: *GROANS*  
  
(the three of them take off into the woods)  
  
NEXT TAPE:  
  
(Cameraman is Ralph because Bomberman and Pommy are visible)  
  
Pommy: Pommy doesn't see a single sign of that figure we saw running this way.  
  
Ralph: (off frame) We have to be going the right way. I don't want to be lost out here alone in these woods.  
  
Bomberman: (Looks disgusted at Ralph)  
  
Pommy: Don't worry Ralph, Pommy was smart and left a trail. Pommy left a trail. of dirt. to help us. find our way. back home. UH-OH.  
  
Bomberman: (Looks mad at Pommy, and is about to say something when Ralph interrupts.)  
  
Ralph: (off frame) Look over there. one of the Ruff Riders Jackets. (the three walk over toward it)  
  
Pommy: I guess we are on the right track after all.  
  
Ralph: (off frame) I sure hope so.  
  
NEXT TAPE:  
  
(Inside a tent, Bomberman is apparently filming)  
  
Ralph: The tent's a little small don't you think.  
  
Pommy: It's the best Pommy could do on such short notice.  
  
Ralph: (Pouting) I'll bet Sam and Cliff would get a huuuuge one.  
  
Pommy: Who cares about them.  
  
(There is a pause, camera being turned off, then turned back on a short time later. When it begins again, there's rustling and humming noises outside the tent, and Pommy is peeking outside with a flashlight).  
  
Pommy: Is anyone there. hello. POMMY'S SCARED. Bomberman help, it's the Phantom Bomber.  
  
Bomberman: (Hands the camera to Pommy and investigates with the flashlight) (Thumping is heard 2 minuets later)  
  
Ralph: (Back on frame) Ohh god. we are going to die.  
  
Pommy: Don't talk like that. Bomberman never let anything happen to Pommy or Ralph.  
  
(Suddenly a bomb explosion is heard, the camera goes black)  
  
NEXT TAPE:  
  
(Outside the tent, morning. Shot from Pommy, who is focused on what looks like three piles of rocks).  
  
Pommy: (off frame) Ralph. Come look at this.  
  
Ralph: (Scared shit-less) OH GOD, MAKSHIFT GRAVES. WE'RE GONNA DIE.  
  
Pommy: (off frame) Snap out of it. We have to find Bomberman.  
  
Bomberman: (Comes from the foliage) (looks sad)  
  
Pommy: (off frame) You stayed up all night patrolling the tent didn't you.  
  
Bomberman: (Nods)  
  
Pommy: (off frame) Poor Bomberman, he didn't get a wink of sleep last night.  
  
Ralph: OKAY TIME TO GO HOME.  
  
Bomberman: (Looks very angry at Ralph)  
  
Pommy: (off frame) You two can argue later. I wonder what these stones are for.  
  
NEXT TAPE:  
  
(Later that day. Bomberman is the cameraman. The three are walking slowly through the woods. Ralph appears to be getting tired; Pommy seems to be trying to eat some food rations that have gone bad, because Ralph forgot to pack the ice in their cooler).  
  
Pommy: YUCK, this food is awful.  
  
Ralph: LOOK OVER THERE !!! (Ralph points to the left) (The three dash to it)  
  
Pommy: Ewww. dried up animal tirds, and a lot of it.  
  
Ralph: Not that to the left. (Bomberman swings the camera over to reveal a burnt out campsite. A small fire was smoldering, and three Ruff Rider jackets were scattered around, but no bodies. A tent had been destroyed, and footprints were in the mud, leading in different directions. Almost looks like a small battle had taken place.)  
  
Pommy: WOAH !!!  
  
Ralph: I just thought of something. If there are three Ruff Riders jackets here, and earlier we saw those makeshift graves, do you think they weren't for us, and maybee they were for them.  
  
Bomberman: (Drops the camera in shock) (Looks very worried)  
  
Ralph: (Picks up the camera) (now off frame) Can we please go home now.  
  
Pommy: Pommy wants to go home to. Bomberman are we lost  
  
Bomberman: (Shakes his head)  
  
Pommy: We are lost, aren't we.  
  
Bomberman: (Nods)  
  
Ralph: (off frame) WERE GONNA DIE !!!  
  
Pommy: Don't worry, I brought a map, I found it yesterday in the bottom of my bag, I forgot I had packed it.  
  
Ralph: (off frame) That. was a map ?!  
  
Pommy: HUH ?! What did you think it was. WHAT DID YOU DO ?!  
  
Ralph: (Camera begins shaking faster and faster due to Ralph's trembling) (off frame) Well, it was so wrinkled and dirty, I thought it was just a piece of trash that got into our bags. . .and I. . .kicked it in the creek.  
  
Pommy: YOU IDIOT !!!!!! (Both Bomberman and Pommy jump on Ralph. Camera goes blank)  
  
NEXT TAPE:  
  
(Night, in tent again. Raining muddily Bomberman is working the camera)  
  
Ralph: Pommy aren't you going to talk to me.  
  
Pommy: (Not looking at him) Pommy hears wind, no voices.  
  
Ralph: What about you, you left the trail of dirt and got us lost in the first place.  
  
Pommy: HUUMMMPPPHHHH  
  
Bomberman: (Puts down camera and sighs)  
  
Ralph: so if the Phantom Bomber or the Ruff Riders come you won't help to protect me?  
  
Pommy: Did someone say something ?! Pommy wasn't listening.  
  
Ralph: Ohh. this rain is scaring me.  
  
(Suddenly noises of crunching leaves and clicks start outside the tent) (All look scared. Pommy and Ralph are scrunched in a corner trembling and Bomberman looks like he's trying to hold back fear)  
  
NEXT TAPE:  
  
(Following morning. Ralph is manning the camera. The picture bounces around as if he were staggering out of the tent, then pans the scene outside, passing by a shot of strips of Pommy picking his nose at the base of a tree. The camera continues panning, then abruptly snaps back to the tree. A scream is heard).  
  
Ralph: (off frame) (screams) THERES EVIL STUFF IN THE TREE! THERES EVIL STUFF IN THE TREE! (He starts running back toward the tent). Bomberman look at this! (Bomberman comes into view, and looks up at the tree. His expression looks horrified.)  
  
Pommy: What is it?  
  
Ralph: (off frame) It looks like skin. like something was skinned alive out here. maybee another Ruff Rider.  
  
Pommy: (Looks at it then frightens) BOMBERMAN LETS GET OUT OF THIS FOREST !!!  
  
Bomberman: (Nods hesitantly.)  
  
Ralph: (off frame) OH NO.  
  
Pommy: What else is it. a body.  
  
Ralph: (off frame) IT STOLE MY BLUE BAG !!!  
  
Pommy: Blue Bag ?!  
  
Ralph: (off frame) YES. THE ONE THAT CARRIES ALL MY BUETY SUPPLIES. You don't think I get a face like this naturally you know.  
  
Pommy: Ohh come on. We still have our food, the canned ravioli, that's all that's left, Ralph didn't pack the ice for the cooler, everything else went bad.  
  
Bomberman: (Looks angry at Ralph)  
  
NEXT TAPE:  
  
(Walking through woods, shot by Pommy)  
  
(Bomberman is smacking Ralph upside the head)  
  
Ralph: Stop it. my beauty cream was in that bag, I can feel my pores clogging as we speak!  
  
Bomberman: (Smacks Ralph upside the head)  
  
Pommy: (Off frame) LOOK THE SAME LOG AGAIN !!!  
  
Ralph: AUUUUGGGHHHH  
  
Bomberman: (Falls down anime style)  
  
(Later that day. At first, darkness and then the sound of something being adjusted on the soundtrack. Pommy backs away from the camera, which has apparently been placed on a tripod. He sits down next to Ralph and Bomberman, who appear too be tired and starving).  
  
Ralph: My face feels so limp. I can't stand it. I must have my blue bag back. my life was in it.  
  
Pommy: Shut up already. MAN @#$% 'in &@$ !!!  
  
Ralph: Your just jealous because I'm prettier then you.  
  
Bomberman: (sighs) (sits on the ground)  
  
Pommy: Okay, we need to find the bright side to this. training experience.  
  
Ralph: Bright side? To being lost in the woods with no way out and being stalked by someone or something, and getting uglier by the minuet due to no beauty cream !!!!!!  
  
Pommy: THAT'S IT !!!  
  
(Pommy jumps on Ralph and they get into a fight)  
  
(Bomberman breaks them up and sighs again)  
  
Ralph: I know! When were all done with this...we can take all this footage were shooting, edit it down to about an hour and a half, put it in an independent film festival, get a distribution deal and become multi- millionaires!  
  
Pommy: (Smacks him upside the head) You idiot! Who would be stupid enough to pay good money to watch three people filming themselves wandering around the woods lost?  
  
(A noise behind them, sounding like leaves cracking under footsteps, sends the into a panic and they run away into the distance screaming all the way. Bomberman grabs the camera as they run out, screaming).  
  
NEXT TAPE:  
  
(Following evening, Bomberman is using the camera. Groaning can be heard on the soundtrack as Pommy exits the tent and the camera bobbles around unsteadily, as Bomberman is also groggy, then comes to rest on a bundle of sticks).  
  
Ralph: Now what do we do. (Picks up the sticks and rubs them together to make a fire, but hurts his hands instead)  
  
Bomberman: (off frame) (sighs and lights the fire with a bomb)  
  
Pommy: Pommy thinks Ralph is stupid.  
  
Ralph: HA. Sam and cliff said we couldn't even catch a cold, well I proved them wrong, I caught a cold !!!  
  
Pommy: Idiot.  
  
Ralph: (Looks on the ground, notices something.) AUUUUGGHHHH, SHRIVELED HEARTS !!! SOME SICKO LEFT SHRIVELED HAERTS !!! (Ralph takes off into the darkness screaming all the way).  
  
(Bomberman and Pommy take off after him)  
  
NEXT TAPE:  
  
(Ralph and Pommy are walking through the forest. Pommy is working the camera.)  
  
Ralph: I don't see Bomberman, he wouldn't just take off without us would he?  
  
Pommy: (off frame) He couldn't have gone on without us.  
  
Ralph: BOMMBBEEERRRMMMAAAANNNN !!!!!!  
  
Pommy: (off frame) BOMBERMAN !!!!!!  
  
(The camera bounces frantically, as if he were running through the woods, parting bushes and looking in clumps of grass).  
  
Ralph: It's NO USE! He's GONE! The Phantom Bomber got him! It's gonna get us all, one by one! WERE NEVER GONNA GET OUT OF THIS FOREST ALIVE!!! IM ALL OUT OF HAIR DYE AND MOISTURIZER AND IM GONNA DIE UGLY!!!  
  
Pommy: (off frame) (He starts to cry hysterically, then a shadow falls across his path. The camera jerks abruptly and a shriek is heard.)  
  
Ralph: IT'S BOMBERMAN !!!  
  
Pommy: (off frame) we're you scouting to make sure the coast is clear?  
  
Bomberman: (Nods)  
  
Ralph: LIAR !!!  
  
(He jumps on Bomberman and Pommy gets dragged into the fight. The camera goes black)  
  
NEXT TAPE:  
  
(The woods, late afternoon, seen from Bomberman as the cameraman. The camera is moving slowly, and Pommy and Ralph are plodding. Their faces bear looks of heavy fatigue. They have apparently been traveling without a break for several hours, all have many bandages on).  
  
Ralph: That thing is out there, it's gonna get us.  
  
Pommy: Don't worry Bomberman will protect us!  
  
Ralph: (Grumbling) Shut Up. I'm cold, I'm tired, I'm starving, I'm ugly, and now you won't shut up.  
  
Pommy: HMMPPPHHH  
  
Bomberman: (off frame) (sighs)  
  
(Abrupt scene change. Night. The camera shows an extreme close-up of Ralph's face from just the middle up. His eyes look terrified and are full of tears).  
  
Ralph: (crying) I just want to say this is all my fault and.  
  
Pommy: (off frame) DAMN RIGHT IT'S YOUR FAULT !!!  
  
Ralph: WHAT ABOUT YOU, YOU LEFT THE DIRT TRAIL AND GOT US LOST IN THE FIRST PLACE !!!!  
  
Pommy: HHHUUUMMMMPPPPHHHH  
  
Ralph: AS I WAS SAYING. I was the one who insisted we weren't lost, I was the one who insisted we keep moving north. It's because of me that we ended up like we are now ugly, cold and hunted. (There is a rustling noise in the background. His eyes dart around fearfully). What was that?. . . I want to apologize to my family, and Bomberman's family. I'm so, so scared. . .I know were going to die out here. . .  
  
Pommy: (off frame) Hey Bomberman, did you manage to find any more of that trail mix?!  
  
Ralph: NOT NOW POMMY !!! I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF A DRAMATIC SPEECH HERE. I'm trying to make myself look sympathetic.  
  
Pommy: (off frame) Your not sympathetic, you pathetic.  
  
Bomberman: (off frame) (nods)  
  
NEXT TAPE:  
  
(Next sequence, daytime. Shot from Ralph working the camera. There's a house, seemingly old and in poor state of repair, in the woods).  
  
Ralph: (off frame) WERE SAVED !!!!!!  
  
Pommy: Look food scraps are outside the house.  
  
Ralph: (off frame) I don't care, I just want to eat food, take a bath, and watch my Soap Opera's.  
  
Pommy: IDIOT. If there's food here, it means the rest of the Ruff Riders are hiding here. or it's the Phantom Bomber's hideout.  
  
Ralph: (off frame) HMMPPHHH.  
  
Pommy: You can stay in this forest all eternity if you want, Pommy's going in there and we're gonna stop this insanity, are you with me Bomberman ?!  
  
Bomberman: (Nods)  
  
(All three enter the house. The camera swerves around, revealing handprints and pawprints of various creatures on the walls. The house is otherwise empty. They walk into another room with a fireplace, also empty. At the right is a staircase, sounds are starting to be heard below them . . . )  
  
Ralph: (off frame) IM SCARED.  
  
Pommy: SHHHH  
  
Ralph: (off frame) BOMBERMAN, POMMY HELP ME !!!  
  
(Through camera lens, you see Bomberman and Pommy turn around only to be shocked, then a huge explosion. occurs and blows the house to smithereens).  
  
END OF TAPES  
  
End notes: From Chief Hydria of the Bomber Police.  
  
I should note here after finishing watching these tapes, I investigated the remains of the house in the woods. I found by researching the history of the house, it was purchased by a mister Relka bomber. Relka is supposedly the richest bomberman on planet Bomber. Upon further research the explosion was caused by Bomberman upon being frightened and acting quickly without thinking. The man that had startled them was Relka's butler. I investigated the noise heard by the Camera and found it to be a birthday party for Relka's 6-year-old son. By identifying various scenery I was able to trace their steps back to when the group first left. The makeshift graves, were in fact makeshift graves, but the autopsy of the bodies reveals they had died at least 78 years before this fiasco. The bodies were identified as Vincent-Bomber-Price, and Ronald-Bomber-Ragon, and Sammy-Bomber-Davis- Junior go fig. The skin found at the bottom of the tree, was skin, but snake skin. The dried up hearts were in fact, Peach pits. Although still unknown what had caused the noises outside of their tent, or the shadowy figure they found, I can tell you what happened to the Ruff Riders. The gang saw the Bomber - Squad coming and left the forest. They were recently caught, and are now in jail.  
  
THE END 


End file.
